We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Panties = found
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
