ya dads aren't the best wingmen
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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