I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just gift wrapped bread.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
