Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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