I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
