I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
