i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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