I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Let's get the cat blown out
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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