So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
