defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
