I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
