Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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