Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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