I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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