Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
third nipple confirmed
Holy sore nipples Batman
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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