I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
