im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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