I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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