If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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