My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
