i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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