K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
