you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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