After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Green mimosas i think yes
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
