someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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