I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I looked at my own cervix.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
