Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's blow job season.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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