haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
