I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
