I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
