NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
