Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
