Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
