Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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