but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
