I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
