We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
