the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
