If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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