i'm signing you up for texting rehab
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
