I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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