my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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