Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
