Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
