O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
