I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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