and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My vagina is officially offended.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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