3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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