remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
