You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
be right there i have to get my cape
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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