I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
