It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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