the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
